Beauties

Good ole Bill Smith an’ Mrs Smith
They visits us lars night
An’ conversation wasn’t wot
Yer might call very bright;
The pauses they gits awkward like
When I waves the position
Be turnin’ up a page uv girls
In the Beauty Competition.

There was girls with 'air an’ girls
with eyes,
An’ girls with bonzer smiles,
An’ girls with dimples somethin’
sweet
An’ all with perfect diles.
Bill Smith an’ me we puts our
’eads
Together an’ just stares,
When Mrs Smith she ups an’ snifs
While my wife simply glares.

“That one,” says Bill, “is wot I
calls
A beauty fair an’ square.”
“Well ’ansom is as ’ansom does,”
Sez Mrs Smith. "So there."
“An’ ’ere’s another one,” says Bill,
“I could go walkin’ with,
Look at the lovely mouth she’s
got.”
“Ussy!” sez Mrs Smith.

“Well, I dunno,” I sez to Bill,
“This is the one for me.”
“Ho, is it?” ups an' sez my wife.
“Sorry I can’t agree!”
The one fer you, me man,” she
sez,
“Is sittin’ in this chair.”
“'Old on shouts Bill, ’Now ’ere’s
a peach!
Jist look at that one there!

“I tell you straight I’d do me
block
On any girl like that.”
“Ere, let me look,” says Mrs
Smith,
Inquisitive. “The cat!”
“Now, this one ’ere,” I sez to Bill,
“’As real expressive eyes.”
“An’ so ’ave you,” my wife comes
back—
“Good fer expressin’ lies!

“Beauty is but skin-deep,” she sez,
“An’ nothin’ could be cheaper.”
“You bet,” sez Bill, an’ grins at me,
“But wot fool wants it deeper?”
“It seems to me that no fool does,”
sez Mrs Smith, an’ snifs,
“Ah rits,” sez Bill, an’ so they
starts
One uv their rare old tiffs.

I tries to ’ead them off a bit
Be torkin’ uv the beauties.
But Mrs Smith just lectures Bill
Upon a ’usbands duties.
An’ so the ev'nin’ ends reel crook
In future strained positions
I’ll never try to save again
With Beauty Competitions.