Councillor Kidd

Counc’ler Kidd! Ho, yes he did:
   With my two eyes I seen him.
He thinks there ain’t a soul to see:
   The street as empty as could be,
      An’ tree-guards there to screen ’im.
He saw it there; ’twas lyin’ fair
   Upon the path, between ’im
An’ where they hid. Bent down, he did.
   Yes, Counc’ler Kidd! I seen ’im.

Tied to a string — a scand’lis thing!
   Jim Wiggs an’ Bowman’s Benny.
They waits until they sees ’im stoop,
   Then both lets out a piercin’ whoop
      An’ jerks away the penny.
The solemn truth! You’d think their youth
   An’ sich might have deterred ’im.
Swore, he did! Yes, Counc’ler Kidd!
   Indeed ’e did! I heard ’im.

To think that he whose dignity
   Has alwiz been a by-word
Would stoop to that! He dropped ’is hat
   Fair in the mud, an’ swore at that.
      Ho, choice! I give you my word.
An’ them young louts pops up an’ shouts,
   While he went pink with pashin’.
“Ho, Capting Kidd, ’e lorst ’is lid!”
   Young imps! They want a thrashin’!

An’ then — my word, you should have ’eard.
   Sich langwidge! Simply glist’nin’!
With D’s an’ — oh, the air was blue!
   I up an’ bangs my winder to,
      To let ’im know I’m list’nin’.
A Counc’ler, too. I alwiz knoo
   He’d a coarse streak to ’im.
With all ’is stile. It made me smile
   To ’ear them young imps boo ’im.

Oh, I’ll allow he’s wealthy now.
   But how? I won’t say stealin’.
But when he first come to this town
   He couldn’t pay a shillin’ down,
      Before he took to dealin’.
An’ I’ve no doubt you’ve ’eard about
   That widder that ’e bled so.
Yes, Counc’ler Kidd! Years past he did.
   I’m sure he did! They said so.

An’ wot’s he done since he’s begun
   To be so high an’ mighty?
Huh! Counc’ler Kidd J.P. Esquire!
   Ee-magines he can boss the Shire.
      He’s got so proud an’ skitey.
You ’eard, I s’pose, the new road goes
   Right past ’is door? Who’d block it?

Spends money free, does Kidd J.P.,
   When it soots ’is own pocket.
As well you know, I’d never go
   An’ ’int things. But it’s funny —
Reel ’umerous the way ’is friends
   Gits all them contracts when he spends
      A bit of Council money.
Indeed, it’s fur from me to slur
   No names, but . . . sly commissions!
Yes, Counc’ler Kidd! Year’s past he did!
   At least, there’s been suspicions.

An’ ’er! . . . Ah, well, I shouldn’t tell —
   A customer, an’ all that.
But when she comes to have a coat
   Made here, an’ then arsts me to vote
      For him; wot would you call that?
Sich brib’ry — wot? Well, p’r’aps it’s not,
   Not when you put it that way.
But then, you know, she will talk so,
   An’ in that nasty-cat way.

But Kidd! Dear me! Him a J.P.!
   To sit, with his pink wattles
Like roosters — judgin’ honest men
   For gittin’ tipsy now an’ then;
      An’ stacks of empty bottles
Be’ind his place. A nice disgrace
   For ’er an’ that pert daughter.
You don’t suppose ’e got a nose
   Like that through milk an’ water!

He sez to me last Saturdee,
   When he come walkin’ by ’ere,
“Miss Mix,” he said, “You’re lookin’ white.
   Too much indoors. It isn’t right.
      We don’t want you to die ’ere.”
He did complain about the drain,
   Which vexed me, more’s the pity;
Because I’ll bet he worked to get
   Me named for that committee.

’Twas Counc’ler Kidd! I know ’e did!
   He’s so consid’rit, reely.
Best Counc’ler that the town could find,
   An’ spends the cash so freely.
An’ his sweet wife, in all me life
   I never could see harm in …
But, Counc’ler Kidd! D’you think ’e did?
   I’m sure ’e did! He’s charmin’!