Culture on the Farm

The periodic criticism of the allegedly “awful Australian accent” has again burst forth recently among somewhat one-eyed pedants who, while revering strange dialects hallowed by age and custom in older lands, affect to abominate dialects of recent vintage. The radio, however, is said to be doing something to correct our “slovenly pronunciation,” particularly in the remoter districts.

’ERE’S wireless workin’ wonders on the farmland,
Culcher’s spreadin’ thro’ the cowyard like a fire —
(As you were.) It’s “cultuah” reely.
Gotter mouth it kinder mealy.
An’ our edja — ed-yocation’s climbin’ higher.
Ai mean to say, ouah accent’s quite too quaite.
Stone ther crows! Ouah progress nothin’ now can bork.
An’ we’re thankful for these mercies,
Since the prattle of the Percys
Fills the ether, for to teach us ’ow ter tork.

Why, we might ’ave — h-h-have the Oxford Collidge ’andy
Right in the old ’ome paddick by our door,
Once, in accents loose and draggly
We referred to Pag-lee-aggly;
Now we calls it Par-lee-archie evermore.
An’ we misnamed poor old Storbr’y somethin’ awful.
An’ ’ow? — That is, Ai means to say, “And hah-oo?”
But we’ve recent come to see ’ow
We been wrong to call ’er kee-ow;
An’ we always calls ’er cah-oo, nah-oo.

I owns we gits confused upon occasions
When the crooners an’ the jazz is comin’ threw,
With the old ’Ill-Billies whoopin’,
An’ that ritzy oopah-doopin’:
“Wag’g’er’n’ wheels.” Sez me. “Okay, I’m tellin’ yew.”
In ouah perfect aisolation from ort centres
Even English sorta gits our goat a bit
When gives a “talk” to wind yah
With their “Pom-trees ovah Ind-yah,”
Then, “Sa-am, Sa-am, Pick oop tha Mooskit” don’t quite fit.

So the cow-’ands an’ the plough-’ands gits fair puzzled,
But they waits till little Willie calls the card,
With ’is Stock Exchange advaises,
An’ the latest Fat Stock Praices.
Then they knows they’re ’ome an’ dried, an’ studies ’ard.

An’ ole Storbr’y comes an’ listens at the doorway;
An’, spare me days! She’s gittin’ reel ’igh-brah-oo.
For she never sez “Mee-oo!”
Like the way she useter do;
Not ’er. She bellers “Mah-oo! nah-oo!”