How to Hold a Husband

A newspaper discussion is going on just now among those who know on the essentially modern question of how to hold a husband, just as if the poor fellow were a bazaar or an election or something.

How to hold a husband? I asked sweet
    Sonia Slim.
“Glamor,” she said. “Give him his head,
But keep firm hold of him.
Take him out to dances; don’t let him stop to think;
Join in his fun. That’s how it’s done;
And match him drink for drink.

Drag him out to parties; join the social whirl;
Paint your lips and swing your hips
And be his ‘dazzle girl.’
Laugh when he talks of money. Revel and make whoopee;
Kid him along with a smile and a song.
He’s a bit of a goof,” said she.

How to hold your husband? I asked good
    Mrs. Grill.
“Be resolute and feed the brute,
Just give the fool his fill;
Keep him stoked and satisfied, by varying each dish,
Contrive with skill to quick fulfil
Each gastronomic wish.

He’s glum, perverse, pig-headed, worse,
When dinner is just ahead;
While greed prevails he’s hard as nails;
But he’s putty when he’s fed.
I love him, yes. For I must confess
He’s just the man for me;
But I wheedle him best when he’s lined his vest.
He’s a bit of a pig,” said she.

How to hold a husband? I asked dear
    Mrs. Bliss.
“Be a good wife your lifelong life,
Quick with a smile and a kiss.
Mother him, manage him, all the time,
Humour him on the sly.

Ready to laugh at his deariest chaff,
To sigh if he wants to sigh.
Hark to his hour-long stories of triumphs he won in town,
Then breathe in his ear: ‘How wonderful, dear!
They never could keep you down.’

Mother him, that’s the secret. He thinks he shelters me;
But I do as I please with the simplest ease.
He’s a silly big boy,” said she.

How to hold a husband? I asked stout
    Mrs. Moggs,
Whose living is made in the laundry trade
And who breeds Alsatian dogs.
She stood with her arms akimbo and
    looked me up and down.
“How to hold what? ’Tis a nerve you’ve got.”

And she frowned a terrible frown.
“How to hold a husband?” I rather nervously said,
For her frame was large; she was big as a barge,
And her bare arms strong and red.
“How would I hold a husband? Is it that you’re askin’ me?
If it’s needful to hold, that is easily told —
Be the scruff of his neck!” said she.