Murderer's Ear

Did ever you hear of the murderer’s ear?
Gr-r-r-r! ’Tis a gruesome, a grisly sight!
Whenever I see it I shiver with fear
And my whole scalp creeps in fright.
’Tis an ear atavistic that indicates plain
A callous, congenital kink in the brain;

And its sinister shape and its curious set
Induce a chill feeling one cannot forget.
And its owner is doomed, for the gallows draws near
To the cold-hearted crook with the murderer’s ear.

Have ever you come on the murderer’s thumb?
Goo-oo-oo! ’Tis a ghoulish, a ghastly thing!
My nerves, when I see it, go horribly numb
And my heart turns over—Bing!
’Tis a digit of doom, unmistakably meant
For assault with insane, homicidal intent,
For pressing on wizzards and scragging a bloke
Till, gurgling, its victim must fatally choke.
He is cursed from his birth; for a grim end must come
To the decadent thug with the murderer’s thumb.

I read all about it one day in a book
That seemed scientific and soberly wise;
And, ever since then, apprehensively look
At my fellows, with searching eyes
For the mark of the beast. And, in trams and in trains,
Men’s ears or their thumbs show the bent of their brains.
And ’tis truly amazing how often one finds
The terrible truth hid in men’s secret minds.
But I can’t be misled; for it taught me a lot,
That book beforementioned. I wish it had not.

This morning, while shaving, I glanced in the glass
In a casual, careless kind of a way
And I felt a quick chill thro’ my arteries pass,
As my face grew strangely grey.
I blinked; then a second time ventured to peer.
Oh, the homicide’s thumb! Oh, the murderer’s ear!
For I have to confess it, altho’ I am loth:
I’m a killer! Thumb? Ear? I am burdened with both!!…
It’s astounding what rubbish cranks publish today.
Why, a man scarce can credit a word that they say.