The Regimented Hen

Among the gazetted regulations of the Victorian Egg Board—which, in a sort of postscript, declares that it is “by no means unmindful of the consumer”—Regulation 31, Clause (b) provides, among other things, that the air cells (of first quality eggs) shall not be more than three-sixteenths of an inch in depth.

When I was a nipper eggs was eggs,
And the price within one’s reach.
The grocer kept them stowed in kegs
And they cost a ha’penny each.
We did not fuss with “air cells” then
When the hen was a hen and men were men
And the cost of living low;
And farmers, did they so desire,
Could on a competence retire,
In the vague old long ago
When regulation, rule and rote
Were not the answers to our vote.

Hens! Eyes front! Dress by your right!
The Bureaucrat is here!
Arise each morn at the peep of light
To the call of the Chanticleer.
Before she eats, each royal hen
Re-reads the printed regimen
To get each section off by heart
Before her daily labors start.
Then, with the rules in mind meanwhile,
March to your nests in single file;
Squat, at command, and then devise
Products of proper shape and size—
(And, please to note in this regard,
Square eggs are absolutely barred).
Attention, hens! Beaks up! Right turn!
Quick march! Begin your day
Remembering that the rules are stern;
And lay, hens, lay!

My father kept a poultry yard
For eggs to sell or keep.
But if a neighbor’s need was hard
He got a dozen cheap.

But now, with bonus and with board,
Such simple trading is abhorred;
“Economists” compel it.
Freely no man may buy nor beg,
It takes one hen to lay an egg,
But seven men to sell it.
It makes life simpler, can’t you see,
When eggs become a luxury!

Hens! Eyes front! Attend to me!
And con the lesson well.
Today, Rule 31, Clause (b),
Concerns the depth of cell—
Air cells, three-sixteenths of an inch,
Or, say, five-thirtieths, at a pinch.
All hens who have not so complied
Will promptly be disqualified
And clapped in concentration camps.
Delinquent ducks and other scamps
Will keep them company while there,
Until they learn, on prison fare,
To lay their eggs in strict accord
With the provisions of the Board.
To quarters, hens! Tired housewives pause
In grocers’ shops today
To measure air cells, as per clause
Aforesaid. Ready! . . . Lay!